By Glitch Hunter, Connoisseur of Controlled Chaos#

DIGITAL — I’ve seen many strange things in my career — sordid backroom deals, shameless profiteers masquerading as patriots, and the kind of bureaucratic lunacy that makes you wonder if the very soul of a nation is for sale. But nothing — nothing — prepares you for the wild fever dream that unfolded as Donald Trump’s tariff threats began rattling the maple-scented halls of Canadian commerce. In a nation famous for its politeness and poutine, a seismic shift was underway. Instead of a collective bout of national unity, a secret cabal of corporate fat cats started to grin like Cheshire cats, their eyes glinting with the promise of opportunity amid crisis.

It all started with the realization that Trump’s bombastic posturing wasn’t just aimed at Mexico or China — it was aimed at us, the humble, snow-covered denizens of Canada. For the average Canadian, the prospect of increased import costs and the threat of economic retaliation sent waves of panic through the back alleys of our great nation. But the country’s corporate class, those slick, silver-tongued oligarchs who have long worshipped at the altar of deregulation and tax cuts, saw Trump’s bluster as a godsend — a wake-up call that could, if played right, finally morph our homeland into a more “efficient” model of American-style capitalism.

I found myself hobnobbing with executives and lobbyists in smoke-filled rooms and overpriced cafés, where the conversation was as heady as the scent of burnt coffee and expensive cologne. Over clinking glasses and half-hearted toasts to “progress,” one voice rang out with a disturbing clarity. Goldy Hyder, the head honcho of the Business Council of Canada, declared at Trump’s inauguration in Washington, D.C.:

“I think we owe the president a thank you. He’s woken us up.”

That statement sent shivers down my spine — a declaration that our so-called corporate leadership was not only prepared to exploit the chaos but was downright eager to embrace a transformation that would see Canada bending, if not breaking, to a U.S. model of economic austerity and deregulated madness.

Now, let me level with you, fellow Canadians. There’s something deeply un-Canadian about this unholy alliance with American belligerence. For centuries, our national identity has been built on a rugged independence — a love of our land, our hockey, and yes, even our quiet moments of collective introspection. But now, as these high-flying money men and women cheer on the bully from across the border, it seems we’re being lured down a path to becoming a carbon copy of the United States — a land where corporate greed trumps the common good, and the welfare state is sacrificed on the altar of profit.

I sat in a dimly lit diner in downtown Toronto, scribbling furiously in my notepad as I tried to make sense of it all. In the midst of my scribbles, a hot-headed local muttered under his breath:

“So… they’re taking the threat from the United States and using that as an opportunity to… make this country more like the United States? Deport every single one of them!”

His words, raw and unapologetic, echoed in my mind like a rallying cry against the creeping Americanization of our national soul.

Yes, you heard him right — deport every single one of those corporate interlopers who would see our maple leaf traded in for a neon star-spangled gimmick. It’s a sentiment born of frustration and righteous indignation. We’re not talking about immigrants who’ve come seeking a better life; we’re talking about the very architects of our economic undoing, those who, with every whispered word of deregulation and tax cut, chip away at the social contract that has long bound our society together.

But the madness doesn’t end there. Amid the rising tide of corporate chauvinism, another radical idea has begun to germinate in the backrooms of public debate — an idea that the winners of capitalism, those gargantuan tycoons who profit off the sweat and toil of our public institutions, should be forced to pay their fair share. Imagine this:

A 100% tax on every dollar earned beyond some arbitrary threshold — say, $10 million.

Yes, you read that right — a full, unrelenting tax on the excesses of wealth. After all, these titans of trade enjoy a strong workforce nurtured by our public education system, benefit from well-maintained roads and bridges built by our collective tax dollars, and even thrive off the carefully negotiated trade deals our politicians clawed together over decades.

In a twisted sort of justice, why shouldn’t the winners of capitalism contribute to the very infrastructure that allowed them to win in the first place? Picture a government so bold it creates positions specifically designed to channel this wealth back into community programs — philanthropic endeavors, humanitarian aid, and local development projects. Imagine parades in the name of civic virtue, where those who have amassed obscene fortunes are not lauded for their greed, but for their reluctant service to society. They’d receive “purple heart”-style awards — a tongue-in-cheek nod to their success — handed out at community centers by local veterans of the bureaucratic war against inequality.

It’s an audacious proposal, one that might sound like a fever dream conjured up in the back of a Toronto bar at 3 AM. And yet, it’s a dream that has begun to crystallize in the minds of those who see our country’s future slipping away under the relentless tide of American-style neoliberalism. We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to a future where Canada is little more than a clone of its southern neighbor — a sterile, corporate playground where the common folk are left to languish while the elite gorge themselves on deregulated profits. The other path demands that we reclaim our sovereignty, our values, and our collective responsibility to one another by imposing strict fiscal discipline on those who would see our nation become a playground for the rich and powerful.

I’ve seen the writing on the wall. The corridors of power in Ottawa are awash with the influence of money, and the corporate class is intoxicated by the promise of even greater riches at the expense of our national identity. The very idea that Trump’s bluster could be twisted into an opportunity to reshape our society is as galling as it is dangerous.

In the end, the choice is ours. Do we allow our beloved Canada to be remade in the image of American corporate excess, with its bloated tax cuts and a government that owes nothing to the public? Or do we stand up and say enough is enough — demanding that those who benefit from the collective wealth of our nation not only pay their fair share through a 100% tax on excess fortunes but also be held accountable for their betrayal of Canadian values? And for those who would see us transformed into yet another soulless American suburb, I say this with all the righteous fury a true son (or daughter) of the True North can muster:

“Deport every single one of them!”

Call it hyperbole, call it a wake-up call, but let it be known that there are still voices in Canada that won’t be silenced by the seductive allure of deregulation and corporate tax cuts. In the bitter winter of our modern age, let the fires of defiance burn bright. The fate of our nation — our culture, our communities, and our very identity — depends on it.